New Moon, Fresh Start?

Tidbits on the new moon elicited the waterworks.  Geez.

It seems I’m ready to try again with everything.  I read past posts on spirituality and admired everything about them.  They were soothing above everything else.  I had a path and I was following it, despite my lack of surety–I was dreaming of Krishna, for goodness’ sake.

The thought of starting over bugs me, though, particularly with the Gita.  A fresh start with a new attitude, new goals, and new methods–that at least sounds better than starting over.

According to the Female Energy Cycle Diagram, I’m in my Crone phase.  I don’t feel at all knowledgeable or wise, but I’m embracing the diagram description:

Introspective and intuitive.  Women are open to the messages from Soul, about spiritual purpose and what the individual requires to achieve happiness.  A time of cleansing and release, as we let go of our blood during bleeding, we can let go of the thoughts, beliefs, and habits that do not serve us any longer.  We can call on the CRONE energy to destroy and remove anything we don’t need anymore.  It is the seeding for the next cycle.  Self-focused.

Soul is speaking to me, I suppose.  It made me realize the new moon’s arrival.  Heretofore, I had ignored it.  I don’t see a specific ritual.  Indirect acknowledgment seems ideal:  a longer shower, a candle while I “work,” a list, some music, some quiet time, breathing-centered yoga–I’m strong enough now that I don’t need to fret over the poses.  I need to focus on letting go.

Fall is my favorite time of the year.  I want to enjoy it.

2nd Day (August 11).

Moon:  Waxing Crescent

Flow/Texture: ¼ oz, dark red, elastic, big chunky bits

Mood:  annoyed, nostalgic, slightly defeated

Symptoms:  little cramping, bloating

Mucus:

Plants were fertilized twice. 

I was in one of those weird moods that clamor for old cartoon and tv show clips.  So, via youtube, I watched too many hours of mid-80′s to early 90′s stuff and vaguely reminisced about my childhood.

I immersed myself in the bright, cheery intros and bounced with glee when I found myself remembering and singing the songs I hadn’t heard in over 20 years.  I recalled the time of day the shows came on, the actual day, what I did and wore (ate cereal and wore pajamas, mostly), favorite characters and crushes.  I found myself also analyzing old favorites with my nascent, yet eager race conscious/feminist lens.  Wow, Smurfs.  Wow.

A quick look through the entries has allowed me to harbor the opinion that waxing crescents stink.  For the most part, my mood and symptoms are at their worst and they pester me longer.  That’s interesting because the crescents are my least favorite phases–if such a thing can be said.  (My favorite being the gibbous.)  So, at the very least, I need to cultivate a warmer relationship with this phase–somehow.

Were I to slip in some spirit time during the waxing crescent of my Enchantress phase (time between ovulation and menstruation), perhaps we could settle our differences and develop a friendship of sorts.  This actually occurred to me, but I lumbered through the episode without so much as even a thought to lighting a candle for my own sake.

For a couple nights before the first day (noting these symptoms as they occur would be nice), I had trouble sleeping.  And when I do sleep during times like this, I’m subject to nightmares involving death or physical or emotional torture.  I wind up staying awake for at least few hours, if not the rest of the morning.  Yes, I blame you, crescent.

Now, a little fun:  How To Know It’s Time For A New Vibrator.  My mood soared after I saw that, because that’s essentially my wand before I hit it with baking soda and hand soap.  In fact, I’m due for some of that magic right now.  For some reason (having to do self-delusion, I reckon), I couldn’t imagine anyone else staining her Hitachi.  On some level, I saw it as sacrilege, but, of course it’s fantastic.  Twenty-eight cheers for bloodied, crooked, yellowed Hitachi Wands all over the globe!

Fourth Day (July 20).

Moon:  Waxing Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  teaspoon, dark red, thick, chunky bits

Mood:  ok

Symptoms:  perhaps a headache, carnal leanings (lol)

Mucus:

My plants is wild, spindly, and space-hungry and I have no idea where to put it–it’s getting too big now for even the large pot.  I would put it in the ground, but I fear it being shredded by the lawn guy.  I planted another seed not too long ago–I wish I could remember when–and I’ve already got a sprout–looks exactly how my others looked in the beginning–it’s wonderful seeing such a progression.

The German has come to a halt–I got distracted by a new video game and the visiting puppy that has inexplicably fallen in love with me.  She won’t even let me pee in peace!–but will resume posthaste.  I’m too enamored of the process–and the possible results–to quit now.  I’ll save the true lazies when the I-can’t-take-it-anymore-I-will-never-learn-German-so-why-bother sentiment crashes the party.

Weight loss/muscle development(awesome fitness), German, this spirituality stuff, hair, plants–it’s all a process.  Consistency and enthusiasm are key if one is after results.  In so many ways I am that sprout trying to be my wild, gorgeous, spindly plants in a week or less.  As much as I’d love it, one good day of German won’t make me fluent.  Not a day, week, month, or even a year.  Curses.

Core Synergistics.

I missed two days, but five out of seven is A-OK with moi.   Oh, my legs have completely repaired themselves, or to the point that I can no longer blame a weak session on my poor wittle quads and calves.

I haven’t done this workout in weeks, so apprehension was my first name.  Nonetheless, the exercise gods kept me in the fray:  I used 15s during Lunge & Reach–slow going, but consistent.  Side Hip Raise went too well–I’ll have to add the leg raises.  Lunge-Kickback-Curl-Press was like jogging uphill through wet beach sand.  Still, I stayed with the group and even cut my usual break down to mere seconds.

Speaking of breaks:  I’ve finally realized and applied the fact that long breaks ruin the flow, making subsequent exercises awkward.  With short breaks, I’m able to maintain the momentum and that all-important heart rate.  So no more lying on my back wishing I could finish up simply while breathing really deeply–like yoga deep.

What’s more, my stamina, all buffed up and glistening, now flaunts itself like some uncouth, narcissistic, gaudy little pest.  In short, it denies me my customary why, god?  why?  time–allotted and stolen.  Nearly each time I paused to jog around, drink, whine, and *gasp* lie down, my stamina would say, “A break, now?  Are you kidding?  Push Play and get back to work, lazy britches.”  Suddenly, I’d pep up and get all frisky.  Yuck.

Overall, I worked hard and it felt cleansing.  For fear of losing interest, I’ll refrain from typing out the resulting desire, but consistency, no doubt, will straighten me out.

Third Day (June 25).

Moon:  Full Moon

Flow/Texture: morning:  dark red, elastic, thick lining, 1 teaspoon.  evening:  a few drops, brownish red, remnant-like liquid, watery lining

Mood:  calm,

Symptoms:  none

Mucus:

Third day remnant bits always puzzle me.  Tomorrow, the blood will fill my cup as though it never left.

I’m due for a fast.

The ritual turned out better than I’d expected.  Some good stuff occurred, mainly concerning the clouds.  As I started, thin, scattered clouds nearly surrounded the moon.  I put a good spin on it and called them beautiful as the light made them glow, almost like a fire-guided smolder.

Toward the middle, I noticed them breaking apart as they drifted over the moon, as though the moon itself were tearing them.  When I finished the ritual, the clouds were gone.  That’s an inspiring and memorable thing.

I added drying rose petals and the scent mixed the with rosemary oil and vanilla from the candle were great.  Not to mention, the spread looked beautiful.  To give them added significance, I’ve decided to name the candles:  patience, joy, strength, will, love, peace.  Had trouble keeping love lit, but wound up burning brighter in the end.

Despite my lack of involvement, I felt that lovely weight in my heart and that my desires would come to fruition.

First Day (June 23).

Moon: Waxing Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  ¼ oz.  dark red, elastic, lining chunks, clear elastic mucus

Mood:  fine, considering

Symptoms:  bloating, all-day cramping, cravings, horn

Mucus:

One day late.

This week and part of last week are characterized by my gradual spiraling down:  spiritual apathy, cravings, and a progressive fraying of my nerves.  The past few days saw my libido turn dangerous–it’s good that I kept myself cloistered.

I miss the closeness I had begun to feel, but I believe I’ve lost it.  As a result, worthless desires won and, as always, I felt none too special or fulfilled by them.  Yesterday, I was caught in a self-destructive mindset, wanting nothing more than to harm myself:  knives and fire became fascinating.  I think I’ve discovered a link between my mental health and exercise.

Cravings were of the dairy and sugar persuasion and I’m sure those had nothing to do with these horrible cramps.  Oh boy, they lasted all freaking day.

I’m not sure if I’ll bother with the full moon ritual, but the gibbous has been beautiful these past few nights.  That it will be a lunar eclipse should mean something–I want it to.  Despite my apathy, I’ve been on the hunt for signs as to whether or not I should keep trying.

The Fourteenth Teaching gives the go ahead, as well as some newfound ideas about the Book of Genesis and Satan, and my readiness to tackle the Tao Te Ching–not that I wasn’t going to do that anyway.  I’ve discovered a possible convergence between it and the Gita, which I hope will provide for better context and understanding.

For my next attempt at the Bible, I’ll try the allegorical approach.  The literary/eww Bible approach has continued to fail me for the obvious reasons.

My menstrual flowers have become lovely ever-growing vines now.   (I fed them today.)  Just have to figure out where to put them.

After Period–Day 16.

Moon:  Waxing Crescent

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  good, calm

Symptoms:  none

Mucus: white, somewhat creamy, somewhat wet newspaper, light, normal taste/scent

I did it.  I purified my candles and things, performed a ritual of sorts, wrote out my list.  However, something was missing this time.  The most obvious thing was the moon:  I thought maybe since I missed last night, I might catch a glimpse of a tiny crescent–nope.

Secondly, my heart wasn’t in it or the timing was off–I couldn’t invoke much during the purification as I couldn’t see anything that could inspire me.  On top of this, ah, the list.  As I put away my candles and bits, I couldn’t help thinking that my list was bogus.  Yet, I know my list can’t be the problem.  Blah.

I felt alone and empty as well.  Despite my concerns, the altar was beautiful, the setting was nice, if lightly infested with the stinging, biting, buzzing, grass-shifting aspects of nature.  My prayer and invocation were a little haphazard, but I made them happen.  Still, as much as I wanted to, despite my reiteration of my intentions and the purpose of the ritual, I felt nothing.

I read the eleventh teaching twice.  Here, Krishna reveals his true form to Arjuna, convincing him to embrace his nature and kill his enemies.  I understand, for the most part, but I couldn’t get into it.  Maybe I just couldn’t wrap my head around the concept of his totality:  the many arms, thighs, heads, mouths, him consisting of all the gods, his licking the world with his flaming tongue.

This chapter expounds on his nature, his overwhelming, terrifying greatness.  Despite being given divine eyes, Krishna is unable to bear Krishna’s form for too long.  Perhaps, in some way, this wasn’t necessary for me.  I already understood his reach, the expanse of his power and form.  However, the ending provides a decent segue into the next and most anticipated chapter, which is all about  devotion:

By devotion alone
can I, as I really am,
be known and seen
and entered into, Arjuna.

Acting only for me, intent on me,
free from attachment,
hostile to no creature, Arjuna,
a man of devotion comes to me.

– The Eleventh Teaching

I’m not happy about the fact that it’s a measly two pages (while this one is seven), but I’m expecting great things from these pages.

The full moon is due the 26th of this month and periods due earlier in the week.  I’m definitely up for another full moon ritual, but I’m anxious still.

After Period–Day 15.

Moon:  New Moon

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  inspired, better, calm

Symptoms:  willingness to soldier on, smiles

Mucus:  abundant, smooth, white, creamy, thick, normal taste/scent

I did it.  I lazed all the way up to the new moon, which I’ll recognize tomorrow night.  I couldn’t bear whining into the blog about how I was, though sad, ultimately too lazy to read, mediate, or study.  And because of the laze haze, I missed ovulation.

I did a mini meditation session with a virtual candle and, while out, was inspired by a woman sitting out in her yard, reading.  She looked so comfortable and yet focused.  I loved it.

Since I become all gung ho when it’s ritual time, I have established two spiritual spaces, private spaces to conduct daily rituals, which will consist simply of lighting candles, prayer, reading, journal time, and mediation.  I can do that, damn it!

One will be outside where the music will consist of birds, wind, and other unidentified creatures.  People noises are, thankfully, all but nonexistent.

According to the Female Energy Cycle Chart, I’m in my Enchantress phase.  I see both Hestia and Persephone occurring in me now, but I’m after the former.  I have a feeling this tidbit will come in handy:

Developing meaningful rituals and activities for yourself, and remembering to do them when you start feeling unbalanced during the premenstrual phase is another good way of calling Hestia into your life.

All that other stuff from the passed few days–sadness, longing, etc.– bespoke of my Mother phase, Aphrodite, in particular:

Aphrodite is a Mother goddess when She does seek union and partnership with another person whether that partnership is creative, emotional or sexual.

She seeks union with a partner, and feels the desire to consummate the relationship. She symbolises the creative force of attraction and fertilisation on all levels.

Aphrodite as a Mother goddess is just as sensual, receptive and creative an individual as when she is a Virgin goddess. The difference is that She is fascinated by relationship and the transmutation and creativity that takes place when people fall in love with each other. Whenever there is rapt attention and a meeting of the senses whether it be mental, physical or emotional, Aphrodite is there. [more]

As far as my new moon ritual goes, I’m on the wrong side of clueless.  I know it will involve the New Moon Manifestation Ritual from About.com, but the contents are sketchy.  I like the idea of that being the point in so far as it forces me to realize my true desires and needs.  I plan to spend as much time as necessary making it happen.

After Period–Day 10.

Moon: Waning Crescent

Flow/Texture:

Mood: glum yet calm

Symptoms:  negative thoughts and a slack desire to erase them

Mucus:  dull white, a bit like elastic, a bit smooth and creamy, normal taste/scent,

Some of yesterday’s unhappiness seeped into my day today.  I looked at my books, my altar and candles, but turned to the old standbys.

When it rained, I stood out in it and thought about Krishna a little.  I was soothed for a little while thereafter.

Right now, I lack discipline and focus and I’m still somewhat confused and doubtful.  However, I do know that all that I experienced eclipses everything I’d grown accustomed to.  That’s all that matters.

After Period–Day 8.

Moon:  Waning Gibbous

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  fantastic, energetic

Symptoms:  info binge, horn

Mucus:  abundant, creamy, white, normal taste/scent

The Virgin/Maiden phase was definitely switched on today, in that I just felt good and energetic–ready for the world.  Between the binging and excitement, I managed to steal a little quiet time and bestow upon myself some of the good touch.

I do believe one of the orgasms–the best one–was brought about by the thought of me getting ready for Krishna.  Somewhere, I came across a woman talking about using her Oshun altar for sexual purposes.  In my little head, I imagined Oshun giving me a ritual bath of sorts, glamorizing me up, then dressing me for him.  Weird, but great.

On the Gita front, the love continues to grow as the Tenth Teaching has me wanting to contemplate Krishna as the moon:  “I am the lightning among wind gods / the moon among the stars” (21).

I found myself thinking of John Donne’s The Ecstasy as one way to imagine how love for Krishna could be expressed.  It’s one of my absolute favorite poems, so being able to connect it to my spiritual leanings tickles me senseless.  I can start  reading and thinking about literature again.

I’m seeing this Krishna business as a progression:  Let’s start at the physical and work our way up, shall we?

I’d like to note that despite some a few setbacks, the ritual seems to be working.  Overall, negativity’s grip is losing its might.