After Period–Day 16.

Moon:  Waxing Crescent

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  good, calm

Symptoms:  none

Mucus: white, somewhat creamy, somewhat wet newspaper, light, normal taste/scent

I did it.  I purified my candles and things, performed a ritual of sorts, wrote out my list.  However, something was missing this time.  The most obvious thing was the moon:  I thought maybe since I missed last night, I might catch a glimpse of a tiny crescent–nope.

Secondly, my heart wasn’t in it or the timing was off–I couldn’t invoke much during the purification as I couldn’t see anything that could inspire me.  On top of this, ah, the list.  As I put away my candles and bits, I couldn’t help thinking that my list was bogus.  Yet, I know my list can’t be the problem.  Blah.

I felt alone and empty as well.  Despite my concerns, the altar was beautiful, the setting was nice, if lightly infested with the stinging, biting, buzzing, grass-shifting aspects of nature.  My prayer and invocation were a little haphazard, but I made them happen.  Still, as much as I wanted to, despite my reiteration of my intentions and the purpose of the ritual, I felt nothing.

I read the eleventh teaching twice.  Here, Krishna reveals his true form to Arjuna, convincing him to embrace his nature and kill his enemies.  I understand, for the most part, but I couldn’t get into it.  Maybe I just couldn’t wrap my head around the concept of his totality:  the many arms, thighs, heads, mouths, him consisting of all the gods, his licking the world with his flaming tongue.

This chapter expounds on his nature, his overwhelming, terrifying greatness.  Despite being given divine eyes, Krishna is unable to bear Krishna’s form for too long.  Perhaps, in some way, this wasn’t necessary for me.  I already understood his reach, the expanse of his power and form.  However, the ending provides a decent segue into the next and most anticipated chapter, which is all about  devotion:

By devotion alone
can I, as I really am,
be known and seen
and entered into, Arjuna.

Acting only for me, intent on me,
free from attachment,
hostile to no creature, Arjuna,
a man of devotion comes to me.

– The Eleventh Teaching

I’m not happy about the fact that it’s a measly two pages (while this one is seven), but I’m expecting great things from these pages.

The full moon is due the 26th of this month and periods due earlier in the week.  I’m definitely up for another full moon ritual, but I’m anxious still.

First Day (May 28).

Moon:  Waning Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  Free flow

Mood:  excellent

Symptoms:  tiny cramps

Mucus:

Twenty-five day cycle.  Yes!

I’ve felt great all day.  I binged on the Bhagavad-Gita, found a site with a slightly different translation and notes, so I ended up reading the 5th, 7th, and 8th teachings about three times more each–I think I got ‘em now.

I was looking forward to the full moon ritual and was not expecting my period, but lo and behold, she comes.  I knew I had to do it then, no matter what.  Thing is, about an hour or so before, I couldn’t see the moon and was bummed absolutely, thinking I’d have to do it sans lunar inspiration.

After a little more reading, I began preparing my ritual paraphernalia outside.  As I went back in to retrieve more stuff, I looked up and saw it–a beautiful, bright waning gibbous–though it was enough (98% ) of a full moon for my needs.

The setup was simple and good:  three candles, some rosemary oil in a burner, green tea, and my list.  And the ritual went well:  I invoked the presence of the divine, spoke my piece, destroyed the list, thanked the divine, then meditated while looking up at the moon.  I even offered a libation.

I sat on a red cloth and bled onto it as I meditated.  I was in the moment, so no stream this time, only the image of my blood flowing from me as the moon washed me in its light.  This is the a typical first day–pretty light, so I’m just seeping a bit.

Rosemary oil is lovely.  As the breeze blew, it mixed with the vanilla scent of the pillar candle almost like a drug.  Somehow, as I spoke the words, I felt that I was accomplishing something.  I still do.

Except for a little tummy growling and the tempting smell of red meat, the fast was perfect.  I’m still going strong.  I’d like to meditate a while tomorrow before eating, maybe practice some breathing exercises for the upcoming cramps instead of applying the good touch.  Ya know, just for some mind over matter practice.

A great way to end the night:  writing in my journal and reading some excerpts from the Bhagavata Purana–yet again.

Before Period–Day 25.

Moon:  Full Moon

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  energetic

Symptoms:  cravings

Mucus:  white balls, stronger scent/taste, wet newspaper texture

I’m weirded out by the lack of symptoms, especially while I’m so close.  My workout routine’s been consistent and I’m taking my vitamins, but still.

With the full moon, I had plans for a ritual, but that didn’t pan out.  I doubt that I’ll even mediate.  I was thrown off the vibe.  People.  Pfft.  I’ve heard, however, that the window  is open for at least a day or so after.  I’ll try again tomorrow night.

The 7th teaching has given me some things on which to meditate.  There was more on unity.

Oh, my seeds are sprouting–just in time.  I’m thrilled.  Seems they like the sun more than I assumed.

I’ll embark on another water fast tomorrow and read as much as possible and meditate on womanhood.  Perhaps I’ll think about Oshun for a bit.

Before Period–Day 24.

Moon:  Waxing Gibbous

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  swingy

Symptoms:  short temper, impatience, tears, joy, bloating, that sickening “it’s here” feeling

Mucus:  stingy, white, creamy, normal taste/smell

I unleashed one instance of the temper completely–hurt some feelings, now experiencing regret.  The other was subtle and may or may not have been detected.  Overall, I did a good job restraining and soothing it.  I had New Age nature music playing for most of the day.  I actually like it.

The joy came after I cleaned my makeshift altar “support.”  I gave it something of a ritual cleansing and felt almost as I did after yesterday’s meditation.  I didn’t see that coming at all.  I reread the sixth teaching of the Gita and made note of Krishna’s meditation directions.

At this point I’m feeling somewhat overwhelmed by him.  I see him taking over, leaving no room for goddesses, particularly Oshun.  I almost don’t mind, but there are parts of me that won’t allow it.  For now, I’m his or actually the Divine’s, somewhat.  This is how I find myself referring to the eternal spirit or, whatever it is.  I’m still working how to identify with it.

The concept of oneness brought the waterworks.  The ability to see everything in the divine and the divine in everything is supposed to conquer thoughts of loneliness.  It’s beautiful, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.  The birds that constantly hop, flutter, chirp, squawk, and peck compel me to ponder this.  Somehow, I must believe the bird, being part of the divine, is part of me just as I’m part of the bird.

Christ, I still can’t believe I’m seriously thinking about this stuff.  Two months ago I was an atheist.

Before Period–Day 23.

Moon:  Waxing Gibbous

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  fine

Symptoms:  cleaning-mode on, hungry brain

Mucus:  stingy, smooth, white, normal taste and scent elevated slightly

As far as not reporting in–I was sour.  However, I think it would have helped slightly–if only to refocus for a little while.

Cleaning mode was–odd.  For a good while, I actually couldn’t stop–I was compelled to organize stuff.  Still didn’t get all those wires untangled and hidden–ugh.

Experienced a good bout of meditation today.  Twenty minutes of converging my thoughts until they disappeared.  For me, hearing is the sense most susceptible to distraction; music is a necessary tool:  When I couldn’t focus on a mental candle flame, I turned my attention to the music–I somehow ended up thoughtless–a rare and beautiful thing.  I came away feeling strangely heavy and languid and yet open and eager.

Whereas before I had no desire to even look at the Gita–morning started off wrongly:  the heat is just not conducive to productivity–afterward, I was excited and ready to study.  If I haven’t said this before, I’m in love with this book.  Right now, it’s exactly what I should be reading.  I’ve had this book for years and I’m only now discovering its greatness.

One image I focused to during the meditation was one of me lying beside a rocky stream–I love water.  In one scenario I was simply lying there enjoying the cool, gurgling flow of the water.  In the other, I was doing the same except I was menstruating either while lying in the water or beside it as the moon glowed.  It was automatic–as soon as I thought of the moon, I began bleeding.  I do believe it was a full moon.

By the looks of it, I may actually start on a full moon.

Had to start over with the plant–the seeds don’t like regular dirt, so I’m giving miracle grow a shot along with more sparing doses of blood–when it comes.

Fasting.

Found some informative tips on water fasting.  I’ve considered fasting for a good while, maybe over the last few years.

The starving the body while feeding the spirit principle appeals to me most.  I’d love experience some type of enlightenment or spiritual revelation following this.  In fact, I’m looking forward to it–focusing on my head and heart rather than my belly.

I’m also turned on by the cleansing/detox aspect which  I believe couples nicely with the menstrual cycle.

Along with mediation and reading, an important part of the fast will be my journal.  I must remember to write down everything extraordinary, whether it occurs to my body or in my mind.  Emotions will hold a great significance as well.

I’ve considered a few types of fasts, but eventually settled on the water fast.  More specifically, I will attempt a three-day version of the 24-hour fast found here.

Random quote:

Water fasting is a physical powerhouse that can nuke debris from your system and give you an outlook on life you never thought possible. It is, in some ways, supernatural. Yet it is the toughest of all types of fasting because you receive no taste or substance in your body for the allotted time - except for the water itself.

Essentially, it’s drinking water throughout the day to curb hunger along with green tea for energy.  A week before the fast, I’m to consume vegetables, fruits, poultry, and fish along with lots f water.  This is said to aid in the detoxing process.

Ideally, I will meditate and do yoga in the morning and read while taking notes on both the texts and any symptoms I experience.  Meditation and yoga again in the night hours seems appropriate as well.

It’s been several days since I’ve experienced the good touch.  Looks like I unintentionally started a form of fasting without even trying.

It’s a nice day–a good day for reading and potting my seeds.

Meditation Attempt #1.

I created a setup, had a fragrant pillar candle, the steady rush of the rain outside, and what I assumed would be a willing mind.

I failed.

I couldn’t focus at all.  I lifted my hands as I inhaled and exhaled them to my chest as I do in yoga.  I attempted to breathe correctly and even created a mantra:  “Open heart, open mind.”  Nothing.

My mind, despite my efforts, continued to wander.  I even thought about this blog and how I would describe the failure. The space was wrong as well.  It’s a good, spacious room, but it’s cluttered.  Stuff obstructed my movements, my peripheral.

On a good note, the biblical quote I found helped noticeably:

I cry out to the Lord with my voice;
With my voice to the Lord I make my supplication.
I pour out my complaint before Him;
I declare before Him my trouble.

–Psalm 142

I recognized in the quote what I lack:  a voice.  I don’t give voice to my troubles.  I think about them a lot, but I don’t talk about them.  As a result, I’ve realized that by muting myself in the face of my problems, I’m effectively ignoring them.  When I opened my mouth and voiced my desire for openness, determination buckled down and opened, if only slightly.

I’ve discovered an interest in paganism.  I’m not sure of the form, the literature, the rituals, or the history, but I’m heading in that direction.  I considered the use of an altar–a place to focus the energy lying dormant inside me and call upon some goddess to direct that energy.  It’s the ritual that appeals to me, giving my feelings and thoughts a purpose, a course.

I have tons of books at my disposal including the Bhagavad-Gita, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, Tao Te Ching, the Koran, The Way of the Pilgrim, the Bible, and the Upanishads as well as some old text books on religion.

There is one book, however, that I must read, but, of course, I don’t have it.  It’s called Sacred Woman:  A Guide to Healing the Feminine Mind, Body, and Spirit.  I haven’t sampled it yet, but the title and the descriptions from other readers have me convinced.  I wants it.

I have sampled another book dubiously recommended by the same folks:  Solitary Witch:  The Ultimate Book of Shadows for the New Generation.  I came away with a good vibe after reading a few pages in the book store.

Apparently, it’s for teenagers and, according to several negative reviews, has lots of faulty information.  As such, I’m hesitant.  Nonetheless, I see myself getting some good ideas.

I won’t be adhering to any particular faith.  I’ll simply use my resources to glean viable information, inspiration, and wisdom.

Concerning meditation, well, practice makes perfect.