First Day (June 23).

Moon: Waxing Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  ¼ oz.  dark red, elastic, lining chunks, clear elastic mucus

Mood:  fine, considering

Symptoms:  bloating, all-day cramping, cravings, horn

Mucus:

One day late.

This week and part of last week are characterized by my gradual spiraling down:  spiritual apathy, cravings, and a progressive fraying of my nerves.  The past few days saw my libido turn dangerous–it’s good that I kept myself cloistered.

I miss the closeness I had begun to feel, but I believe I’ve lost it.  As a result, worthless desires won and, as always, I felt none too special or fulfilled by them.  Yesterday, I was caught in a self-destructive mindset, wanting nothing more than to harm myself:  knives and fire became fascinating.  I think I’ve discovered a link between my mental health and exercise.

Cravings were of the dairy and sugar persuasion and I’m sure those had nothing to do with these horrible cramps.  Oh boy, they lasted all freaking day.

I’m not sure if I’ll bother with the full moon ritual, but the gibbous has been beautiful these past few nights.  That it will be a lunar eclipse should mean something–I want it to.  Despite my apathy, I’ve been on the hunt for signs as to whether or not I should keep trying.

The Fourteenth Teaching gives the go ahead, as well as some newfound ideas about the Book of Genesis and Satan, and my readiness to tackle the Tao Te Ching–not that I wasn’t going to do that anyway.  I’ve discovered a possible convergence between it and the Gita, which I hope will provide for better context and understanding.

For my next attempt at the Bible, I’ll try the allegorical approach.  The literary/eww Bible approach has continued to fail me for the obvious reasons.

My menstrual flowers have become lovely ever-growing vines now.   (I fed them today.)  Just have to figure out where to put them.

After Period–Day 16.

Moon:  Waxing Crescent

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  good, calm

Symptoms:  none

Mucus: white, somewhat creamy, somewhat wet newspaper, light, normal taste/scent

I did it.  I purified my candles and things, performed a ritual of sorts, wrote out my list.  However, something was missing this time.  The most obvious thing was the moon:  I thought maybe since I missed last night, I might catch a glimpse of a tiny crescent–nope.

Secondly, my heart wasn’t in it or the timing was off–I couldn’t invoke much during the purification as I couldn’t see anything that could inspire me.  On top of this, ah, the list.  As I put away my candles and bits, I couldn’t help thinking that my list was bogus.  Yet, I know my list can’t be the problem.  Blah.

I felt alone and empty as well.  Despite my concerns, the altar was beautiful, the setting was nice, if lightly infested with the stinging, biting, buzzing, grass-shifting aspects of nature.  My prayer and invocation were a little haphazard, but I made them happen.  Still, as much as I wanted to, despite my reiteration of my intentions and the purpose of the ritual, I felt nothing.

I read the eleventh teaching twice.  Here, Krishna reveals his true form to Arjuna, convincing him to embrace his nature and kill his enemies.  I understand, for the most part, but I couldn’t get into it.  Maybe I just couldn’t wrap my head around the concept of his totality:  the many arms, thighs, heads, mouths, him consisting of all the gods, his licking the world with his flaming tongue.

This chapter expounds on his nature, his overwhelming, terrifying greatness.  Despite being given divine eyes, Krishna is unable to bear Krishna’s form for too long.  Perhaps, in some way, this wasn’t necessary for me.  I already understood his reach, the expanse of his power and form.  However, the ending provides a decent segue into the next and most anticipated chapter, which is all about  devotion:

By devotion alone
can I, as I really am,
be known and seen
and entered into, Arjuna.

Acting only for me, intent on me,
free from attachment,
hostile to no creature, Arjuna,
a man of devotion comes to me.

– The Eleventh Teaching

I’m not happy about the fact that it’s a measly two pages (while this one is seven), but I’m expecting great things from these pages.

The full moon is due the 26th of this month and periods due earlier in the week.  I’m definitely up for another full moon ritual, but I’m anxious still.

After Period–Day 8.

Moon:  Waning Gibbous

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  fantastic, energetic

Symptoms:  info binge, horn

Mucus:  abundant, creamy, white, normal taste/scent

The Virgin/Maiden phase was definitely switched on today, in that I just felt good and energetic–ready for the world.  Between the binging and excitement, I managed to steal a little quiet time and bestow upon myself some of the good touch.

I do believe one of the orgasms–the best one–was brought about by the thought of me getting ready for Krishna.  Somewhere, I came across a woman talking about using her Oshun altar for sexual purposes.  In my little head, I imagined Oshun giving me a ritual bath of sorts, glamorizing me up, then dressing me for him.  Weird, but great.

On the Gita front, the love continues to grow as the Tenth Teaching has me wanting to contemplate Krishna as the moon:  “I am the lightning among wind gods / the moon among the stars” (21).

I found myself thinking of John Donne’s The Ecstasy as one way to imagine how love for Krishna could be expressed.  It’s one of my absolute favorite poems, so being able to connect it to my spiritual leanings tickles me senseless.  I can start  reading and thinking about literature again.

I’m seeing this Krishna business as a progression:  Let’s start at the physical and work our way up, shall we?

I’d like to note that despite some a few setbacks, the ritual seems to be working.  Overall, negativity’s grip is losing its might.

Fifth Day (June 1).

Moon:  Waning Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  free flow, remnant bits, dark brown (almost black), watery,

Mood: down & out, gradually soothed

Symptoms:  tears, apathy, tears

Mucus:

The whole day from the early morning hours was a study in depression–another day 7 come early.  Suddenly, I got the urge to pick apart my body and every negative thought coalesced into a big ball of sadness and I fed it.

I cried.  I moped.  I wallowed in negativity.  I attempted to occupy myself, but that didn’t last long.  Sleeping helped some.  The chocolate post didn’t even cross my mind.

Needless to say, I did no reading–I got to the point where I even felt unworthy of Krishna…yeah.

I’m better now, but still confused about the Gita and Krishna–I feel great when I read and study (as I said), but it’s strange to feel so…about a Hindu god.  It started years and years ago.  I view it as the beginning of my spiritual journey, so anything could happen between now and whenever I find whatever it is I’m after.

I should just simply enjoy the fact that the Bhagavad-Gita is so great and that I have the means to indulge a tolerable portion of this hoopla.  I’ve decided to wait on Sacred Woman and Krishna:  The Beautiful Legend of God so that I can focus on the Gita.  Those books will only transform me into scatterbrain and I’d never finish reading any of them.

Anyway, yeah, I free flowed for most of the day thinking I could handle the bits.  Turns out, I’m still bleeding bright, beautiful, red menses.  Tricksy little minx.  However, it was a negligible amount caught by the toilet and its accompanying paper.  By the time I put in the cup, I was dripping brownly.

I just noticed that I had no acne this time around.  Go figure.

Third Day (May 30).

Moon:  Waning Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  ¼ oz, thick, dark red, elastic, chunky bits

Mood: great

Symptoms:  none

Mucus:

I’ve got plants…and ants.  Eh, whaddya gunna do?

Nothing much else to report accept that I’ve slowly gathering my altar paraphernalia.  Bought lots of white candles and holders.  Probably should invest in a better lighter.

Ah, the Ninth Teaching went from being the worst to one of my favorites after a simple journal entry and a rereading.  Devotion to Krishna is the name of the game and that’s exactly what this chapter is about.

I was actually considering giving the whole thing up because of the third verse:

The whole universe is pervaded

by my unmanifest form;

all creatures exist in me,

but I do not exist in them.

That last line crippled my spirit.  Consequently, my reading of the rest of the chapter was tainted with saddened eyes and heart.  I wrote about it in my journal, but when I got to verse twenty nine for further justification (“I’m impartial to all creatures, / and no one is hateful or dear to me;”), a light bulb went off and a heartened rereading commenced and I felt so much better.  The last lines of that verse made it clear to me:  “but men devoted to me are in me, / and I am within them.”

Anyway, I have my candles set up on the support.  They look great, though I’m missing one–didn’t realize I’d need it.  I have no idea what I’m going to put on it and I’m clueless as to the type of altar it will be.  I don’t have much in the way of old, sentimental items.

I’ve got it!  Joy.  After thinking about it for a little while, I’ve added a few items:  my first bottle of Sheffield, a box of crayons, a Ticonderoga pencil (or a bunch), a shell, a shot glass from New Orleans, and the Amy Lowell poem “A Decade.”  Water as well–a pretty bowl or glass of water.

It’s a start.  I’ll see what happens after my first experience with it or when I feel as though I’ve got everything I need.  Still need a good cloth and I also like the idea of having a plant, both for clearing the air and daily maintenance–would have to change the water as well.

I’m wondering if I should construct a separate altar for Krishna.  I’m thinking a statue on this altar would work.

This site dedicated (devoted) to Bhakti Yoga looks good.  Yes, this is most inspirational and relevant to my interests.  Madhurya Bhava?  Hmm…  Now, I have conflicting ideas about the altar.

First Day (May 28).

Moon:  Waning Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  Free flow

Mood:  excellent

Symptoms:  tiny cramps

Mucus:

Twenty-five day cycle.  Yes!

I’ve felt great all day.  I binged on the Bhagavad-Gita, found a site with a slightly different translation and notes, so I ended up reading the 5th, 7th, and 8th teachings about three times more each–I think I got ‘em now.

I was looking forward to the full moon ritual and was not expecting my period, but lo and behold, she comes.  I knew I had to do it then, no matter what.  Thing is, about an hour or so before, I couldn’t see the moon and was bummed absolutely, thinking I’d have to do it sans lunar inspiration.

After a little more reading, I began preparing my ritual paraphernalia outside.  As I went back in to retrieve more stuff, I looked up and saw it–a beautiful, bright waning gibbous–though it was enough (98% ) of a full moon for my needs.

The setup was simple and good:  three candles, some rosemary oil in a burner, green tea, and my list.  And the ritual went well:  I invoked the presence of the divine, spoke my piece, destroyed the list, thanked the divine, then meditated while looking up at the moon.  I even offered a libation.

I sat on a red cloth and bled onto it as I meditated.  I was in the moment, so no stream this time, only the image of my blood flowing from me as the moon washed me in its light.  This is the a typical first day–pretty light, so I’m just seeping a bit.

Rosemary oil is lovely.  As the breeze blew, it mixed with the vanilla scent of the pillar candle almost like a drug.  Somehow, as I spoke the words, I felt that I was accomplishing something.  I still do.

Except for a little tummy growling and the tempting smell of red meat, the fast was perfect.  I’m still going strong.  I’d like to meditate a while tomorrow before eating, maybe practice some breathing exercises for the upcoming cramps instead of applying the good touch.  Ya know, just for some mind over matter practice.

A great way to end the night:  writing in my journal and reading some excerpts from the Bhagavata Purana–yet again.

Before Period–Day 24.

Moon:  Waxing Gibbous

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  swingy

Symptoms:  short temper, impatience, tears, joy, bloating, that sickening “it’s here” feeling

Mucus:  stingy, white, creamy, normal taste/smell

I unleashed one instance of the temper completely–hurt some feelings, now experiencing regret.  The other was subtle and may or may not have been detected.  Overall, I did a good job restraining and soothing it.  I had New Age nature music playing for most of the day.  I actually like it.

The joy came after I cleaned my makeshift altar “support.”  I gave it something of a ritual cleansing and felt almost as I did after yesterday’s meditation.  I didn’t see that coming at all.  I reread the sixth teaching of the Gita and made note of Krishna’s meditation directions.

At this point I’m feeling somewhat overwhelmed by him.  I see him taking over, leaving no room for goddesses, particularly Oshun.  I almost don’t mind, but there are parts of me that won’t allow it.  For now, I’m his or actually the Divine’s, somewhat.  This is how I find myself referring to the eternal spirit or, whatever it is.  I’m still working how to identify with it.

The concept of oneness brought the waterworks.  The ability to see everything in the divine and the divine in everything is supposed to conquer thoughts of loneliness.  It’s beautiful, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.  The birds that constantly hop, flutter, chirp, squawk, and peck compel me to ponder this.  Somehow, I must believe the bird, being part of the divine, is part of me just as I’m part of the bird.

Christ, I still can’t believe I’m seriously thinking about this stuff.  Two months ago I was an atheist.