Before Period–Day 18.

Moon:  Waxing Gibbous

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  alternately fine, gloomy, pessimistic, sour

Symptoms:  cravings

Mucus:  normal

I should have kept this post in mind until I memorized it, but such things don’t come naturally to me.  I posted it, forgot it, and continued to mope and sink.

It was my goal to change things, to start on a completely different route, regardless of the results, regardless of how I felt.  I managed even to find a quote in the Gita as inspiration because I know my habits so well.  Nonetheless, I couldn’t hack it.  I failed.

Now, as a result, I’m spiritually empty, heavier, weaker, thoughtless, and the victim of single-strand knots like you wouldn’t believe.  I thought for sure the vitamin purchase would elicit a resurgence of motivation, but, no, I swallow them and keep going.  (Those calcium pills are awful when they’re left behind to dissolve unaided in the esophagus.)

However, even if my fears are realized, I don’t want to languish or die in a depressed, pessimistic state.  I want to try for my own happiness.  The methods I’ve fallen into again just don’t work–there’s no joy here.  No one’s coming to save me.

So, because the advent of another full moon, I like to try again.  I haven’t quite accepted the fatalistic POV just yet, but constant reminders, while morbid, do help.

I’d like to start by working out.  I have a great routine for both weight loss and attaining strength.

After Period–Day 13.

Moon:  First Quarter

Flow/Texture:

Mood: fair

Symptoms:  none

Mucus:  smooth, normal scent/taste, white

Picked up my vitamins today including the calcium supplements.  Interesting thing about the calcium supps:  I gotta take four of those suckers everyday, along with two multis and three Omegas–I usually just take two of those, however.  Yowsa!

My period’s making its way back in about two weeks, so I’ll begin the vitamin/exercise regimen tomorrow to see how it fairs against my PMS.  Yeah, I’ve stopped exercising.  I’d like to type out a good excuse, but I’ve got nothing.  I actually could have started tonight, but…um…I’ve run out of soy milk?  Yeah.

Good news on the clutter front:  I’ve managed to move my “writing” blog over to wordpress.  I’ve made it catch-all, which means I can stop whining about German (at least) over here.  Hopefully, I’ll get some more writing done, too.  I’ve already got a plan to rework some old stuff to get the juices flowing.

Sixth Day (June 28).

Moon:  Waning Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  remnant, brown

Mood:  fine

Symptoms:  none

Mucus:  opaque, bits of remnant, thick, elastic, generous

Slowly, ever so slowly I’m getting back into my groove.  Productive desires are tentatively creating space for themselves as I type.  Puzzling how the good things are so hard to keep a grasp on, especially when I know they’re good.

About that whole exercising twice a day thing:  I’m putting that off until next week because these workouts are gutting me.  For yesterday’s legs and back routine, one word:  nausea.  Oy.  Recovery time amounted to around two hours.  I blame bad breathing, overexertion, and dehydration. I added the 15s at the start where it’s usually 10s, but I felt fine and strong.  I used them again for the Step Back Lunges and began to crack toward the middle of the routine.

I felt sore all day, but definitely not enough to deter me from cardio.  This time I felt a tiny bit of nausea and took about three breaks.

Tomorrow will be yoga and fasting.  Yoga especially to get my breathing back on track.  Eesh.  Meditation and reading sound good, but I won’t tickle my hopes on that.

After Period–Day 16.

Moon:  Waxing Crescent

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  good, calm

Symptoms:  none

Mucus: white, somewhat creamy, somewhat wet newspaper, light, normal taste/scent

I did it.  I purified my candles and things, performed a ritual of sorts, wrote out my list.  However, something was missing this time.  The most obvious thing was the moon:  I thought maybe since I missed last night, I might catch a glimpse of a tiny crescent–nope.

Secondly, my heart wasn’t in it or the timing was off–I couldn’t invoke much during the purification as I couldn’t see anything that could inspire me.  On top of this, ah, the list.  As I put away my candles and bits, I couldn’t help thinking that my list was bogus.  Yet, I know my list can’t be the problem.  Blah.

I felt alone and empty as well.  Despite my concerns, the altar was beautiful, the setting was nice, if lightly infested with the stinging, biting, buzzing, grass-shifting aspects of nature.  My prayer and invocation were a little haphazard, but I made them happen.  Still, as much as I wanted to, despite my reiteration of my intentions and the purpose of the ritual, I felt nothing.

I read the eleventh teaching twice.  Here, Krishna reveals his true form to Arjuna, convincing him to embrace his nature and kill his enemies.  I understand, for the most part, but I couldn’t get into it.  Maybe I just couldn’t wrap my head around the concept of his totality:  the many arms, thighs, heads, mouths, him consisting of all the gods, his licking the world with his flaming tongue.

This chapter expounds on his nature, his overwhelming, terrifying greatness.  Despite being given divine eyes, Krishna is unable to bear Krishna’s form for too long.  Perhaps, in some way, this wasn’t necessary for me.  I already understood his reach, the expanse of his power and form.  However, the ending provides a decent segue into the next and most anticipated chapter, which is all about  devotion:

By devotion alone
can I, as I really am,
be known and seen
and entered into, Arjuna.

Acting only for me, intent on me,
free from attachment,
hostile to no creature, Arjuna,
a man of devotion comes to me.

– The Eleventh Teaching

I’m not happy about the fact that it’s a measly two pages (while this one is seven), but I’m expecting great things from these pages.

The full moon is due the 26th of this month and periods due earlier in the week.  I’m definitely up for another full moon ritual, but I’m anxious still.

After Period–Day 15.

Moon:  New Moon

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  inspired, better, calm

Symptoms:  willingness to soldier on, smiles

Mucus:  abundant, smooth, white, creamy, thick, normal taste/scent

I did it.  I lazed all the way up to the new moon, which I’ll recognize tomorrow night.  I couldn’t bear whining into the blog about how I was, though sad, ultimately too lazy to read, mediate, or study.  And because of the laze haze, I missed ovulation.

I did a mini meditation session with a virtual candle and, while out, was inspired by a woman sitting out in her yard, reading.  She looked so comfortable and yet focused.  I loved it.

Since I become all gung ho when it’s ritual time, I have established two spiritual spaces, private spaces to conduct daily rituals, which will consist simply of lighting candles, prayer, reading, journal time, and mediation.  I can do that, damn it!

One will be outside where the music will consist of birds, wind, and other unidentified creatures.  People noises are, thankfully, all but nonexistent.

According to the Female Energy Cycle Chart, I’m in my Enchantress phase.  I see both Hestia and Persephone occurring in me now, but I’m after the former.  I have a feeling this tidbit will come in handy:

Developing meaningful rituals and activities for yourself, and remembering to do them when you start feeling unbalanced during the premenstrual phase is another good way of calling Hestia into your life.

All that other stuff from the passed few days–sadness, longing, etc.– bespoke of my Mother phase, Aphrodite, in particular:

Aphrodite is a Mother goddess when She does seek union and partnership with another person whether that partnership is creative, emotional or sexual.

She seeks union with a partner, and feels the desire to consummate the relationship. She symbolises the creative force of attraction and fertilisation on all levels.

Aphrodite as a Mother goddess is just as sensual, receptive and creative an individual as when she is a Virgin goddess. The difference is that She is fascinated by relationship and the transmutation and creativity that takes place when people fall in love with each other. Whenever there is rapt attention and a meeting of the senses whether it be mental, physical or emotional, Aphrodite is there. [more]

As far as my new moon ritual goes, I’m on the wrong side of clueless.  I know it will involve the New Moon Manifestation Ritual from About.com, but the contents are sketchy.  I like the idea of that being the point in so far as it forces me to realize my true desires and needs.  I plan to spend as much time as necessary making it happen.

After Period–Day 10.

Moon: Waning Crescent

Flow/Texture:

Mood: glum yet calm

Symptoms:  negative thoughts and a slack desire to erase them

Mucus:  dull white, a bit like elastic, a bit smooth and creamy, normal taste/scent,

Some of yesterday’s unhappiness seeped into my day today.  I looked at my books, my altar and candles, but turned to the old standbys.

When it rained, I stood out in it and thought about Krishna a little.  I was soothed for a little while thereafter.

Right now, I lack discipline and focus and I’m still somewhat confused and doubtful.  However, I do know that all that I experienced eclipses everything I’d grown accustomed to.  That’s all that matters.

After Period–Day 8.

Moon:  Waning Gibbous

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  fantastic, energetic

Symptoms:  info binge, horn

Mucus:  abundant, creamy, white, normal taste/scent

The Virgin/Maiden phase was definitely switched on today, in that I just felt good and energetic–ready for the world.  Between the binging and excitement, I managed to steal a little quiet time and bestow upon myself some of the good touch.

I do believe one of the orgasms–the best one–was brought about by the thought of me getting ready for Krishna.  Somewhere, I came across a woman talking about using her Oshun altar for sexual purposes.  In my little head, I imagined Oshun giving me a ritual bath of sorts, glamorizing me up, then dressing me for him.  Weird, but great.

On the Gita front, the love continues to grow as the Tenth Teaching has me wanting to contemplate Krishna as the moon:  “I am the lightning among wind gods / the moon among the stars” (21).

I found myself thinking of John Donne’s The Ecstasy as one way to imagine how love for Krishna could be expressed.  It’s one of my absolute favorite poems, so being able to connect it to my spiritual leanings tickles me senseless.  I can start  reading and thinking about literature again.

I’m seeing this Krishna business as a progression:  Let’s start at the physical and work our way up, shall we?

I’d like to note that despite some a few setbacks, the ritual seems to be working.  Overall, negativity’s grip is losing its might.

Before Period–Day 25.

Moon:  Full Moon

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  energetic

Symptoms:  cravings

Mucus:  white balls, stronger scent/taste, wet newspaper texture

I’m weirded out by the lack of symptoms, especially while I’m so close.  My workout routine’s been consistent and I’m taking my vitamins, but still.

With the full moon, I had plans for a ritual, but that didn’t pan out.  I doubt that I’ll even mediate.  I was thrown off the vibe.  People.  Pfft.  I’ve heard, however, that the window  is open for at least a day or so after.  I’ll try again tomorrow night.

The 7th teaching has given me some things on which to meditate.  There was more on unity.

Oh, my seeds are sprouting–just in time.  I’m thrilled.  Seems they like the sun more than I assumed.

I’ll embark on another water fast tomorrow and read as much as possible and meditate on womanhood.  Perhaps I’ll think about Oshun for a bit.

Before Period–Day 24.

Moon:  Waxing Gibbous

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  swingy

Symptoms:  short temper, impatience, tears, joy, bloating, that sickening “it’s here” feeling

Mucus:  stingy, white, creamy, normal taste/smell

I unleashed one instance of the temper completely–hurt some feelings, now experiencing regret.  The other was subtle and may or may not have been detected.  Overall, I did a good job restraining and soothing it.  I had New Age nature music playing for most of the day.  I actually like it.

The joy came after I cleaned my makeshift altar “support.”  I gave it something of a ritual cleansing and felt almost as I did after yesterday’s meditation.  I didn’t see that coming at all.  I reread the sixth teaching of the Gita and made note of Krishna’s meditation directions.

At this point I’m feeling somewhat overwhelmed by him.  I see him taking over, leaving no room for goddesses, particularly Oshun.  I almost don’t mind, but there are parts of me that won’t allow it.  For now, I’m his or actually the Divine’s, somewhat.  This is how I find myself referring to the eternal spirit or, whatever it is.  I’m still working how to identify with it.

The concept of oneness brought the waterworks.  The ability to see everything in the divine and the divine in everything is supposed to conquer thoughts of loneliness.  It’s beautiful, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.  The birds that constantly hop, flutter, chirp, squawk, and peck compel me to ponder this.  Somehow, I must believe the bird, being part of the divine, is part of me just as I’m part of the bird.

Christ, I still can’t believe I’m seriously thinking about this stuff.  Two months ago I was an atheist.

Before Period–Day 23.

Moon:  Waxing Gibbous

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  fine

Symptoms:  cleaning-mode on, hungry brain

Mucus:  stingy, smooth, white, normal taste and scent elevated slightly

As far as not reporting in–I was sour.  However, I think it would have helped slightly–if only to refocus for a little while.

Cleaning mode was–odd.  For a good while, I actually couldn’t stop–I was compelled to organize stuff.  Still didn’t get all those wires untangled and hidden–ugh.

Experienced a good bout of meditation today.  Twenty minutes of converging my thoughts until they disappeared.  For me, hearing is the sense most susceptible to distraction; music is a necessary tool:  When I couldn’t focus on a mental candle flame, I turned my attention to the music–I somehow ended up thoughtless–a rare and beautiful thing.  I came away feeling strangely heavy and languid and yet open and eager.

Whereas before I had no desire to even look at the Gita–morning started off wrongly:  the heat is just not conducive to productivity–afterward, I was excited and ready to study.  If I haven’t said this before, I’m in love with this book.  Right now, it’s exactly what I should be reading.  I’ve had this book for years and I’m only now discovering its greatness.

One image I focused to during the meditation was one of me lying beside a rocky stream–I love water.  In one scenario I was simply lying there enjoying the cool, gurgling flow of the water.  In the other, I was doing the same except I was menstruating either while lying in the water or beside it as the moon glowed.  It was automatic–as soon as I thought of the moon, I began bleeding.  I do believe it was a full moon.

By the looks of it, I may actually start on a full moon.

Had to start over with the plant–the seeds don’t like regular dirt, so I’m giving miracle grow a shot along with more sparing doses of blood–when it comes.