Sixth Day (June 28).

Moon:  Waning Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  remnant, brown

Mood:  fine

Symptoms:  none

Mucus:  opaque, bits of remnant, thick, elastic, generous

Slowly, ever so slowly I’m getting back into my groove.  Productive desires are tentatively creating space for themselves as I type.  Puzzling how the good things are so hard to keep a grasp on, especially when I know they’re good.

About that whole exercising twice a day thing:  I’m putting that off until next week because these workouts are gutting me.  For yesterday’s legs and back routine, one word:  nausea.  Oy.  Recovery time amounted to around two hours.  I blame bad breathing, overexertion, and dehydration. I added the 15s at the start where it’s usually 10s, but I felt fine and strong.  I used them again for the Step Back Lunges and began to crack toward the middle of the routine.

I felt sore all day, but definitely not enough to deter me from cardio.  This time I felt a tiny bit of nausea and took about three breaks.

Tomorrow will be yoga and fasting.  Yoga especially to get my breathing back on track.  Eesh.  Meditation and reading sound good, but I won’t tickle my hopes on that.

Fifth Day (June 27).

Moon:  Waning Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  reddish brown, one teaspoon, elastic, a little lining

Mood:  ok

Symptoms:  none

Mucus:

Hm, I guess I bled the majority out onto my shorts during the second day.  Peculiar.

Fourth Day (June 26).

Moon:  Waning Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  2 teaspoons, dark red, watery/thick elastic, little lining

Mood:  fantastic, energetic

Symptoms:  none

Mucus:

Hm, she tricked me.  Color me shocked to see such small amounts gleaming at the bottom of my cup–a teaspoon each time.

Today, I felt energetic, happy and apt.  Eager to devour every spiritual/religious book ever written, resume my study of German and literature.  I even considered, albeit briefly, writing again.  Thus even if the enthusiasm wanes, I know that the desire exists, so I can start, fueled on that alone.

I’m confident enough into my health to attempt working out twice a day three to four days this week.  Fasting two to three times this week would be great as well, especially on rest days.

A Smidgen on Kegels.

Friend or Foe? I have the ones in front

Most are aware of Kegels and the fact that they were developed to strengthen the PC muscles. The world is awash in how to’s, exercise equipment, and videos reminding us to do our Kegels.

For the armchair gynecologists, every vaginal ailment (mostly sexual) under the sun could surely benefit from a round of Kegels.

Do them anywhere!

Welp, I found a couple articles on Kegels that aim to combat the fuss.  Apparently, these superstar exercises aren’t worth the hype. In fact, over doing the suckers might actually exacerbate your troubles, namely vaginal prolapse and incontinence.  According to Bowman and Kent, squats and good posture are your real friends.

Great news for me since I can’t remember the last time I consciously Kegeled my pubococcygeus muscle, but I do squats and my posture is righteous!

Pelvic Floor Party:  Kegels Are NOT Invited

Why Kegels Don’t Work (PDF file)

Luckily, Kegels aren’t a total waste–better orgasms (still, meh)–so, I don’t feel too badly about my Smart Balls.

Third Day (June 25).

Moon:  Full Moon

Flow/Texture: morning:  dark red, elastic, thick lining, 1 teaspoon.  evening:  a few drops, brownish red, remnant-like liquid, watery lining

Mood:  calm,

Symptoms:  none

Mucus:

Third day remnant bits always puzzle me.  Tomorrow, the blood will fill my cup as though it never left.

I’m due for a fast.

The ritual turned out better than I’d expected.  Some good stuff occurred, mainly concerning the clouds.  As I started, thin, scattered clouds nearly surrounded the moon.  I put a good spin on it and called them beautiful as the light made them glow, almost like a fire-guided smolder.

Toward the middle, I noticed them breaking apart as they drifted over the moon, as though the moon itself were tearing them.  When I finished the ritual, the clouds were gone.  That’s an inspiring and memorable thing.

I added drying rose petals and the scent mixed the with rosemary oil and vanilla from the candle were great.  Not to mention, the spread looked beautiful.  To give them added significance, I’ve decided to name the candles:  patience, joy, strength, will, love, peace.  Had trouble keeping love lit, but wound up burning brighter in the end.

Despite my lack of involvement, I felt that lovely weight in my heart and that my desires would come to fruition.

2nd Day (June 24).

Moon:  Waxing Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  ¼ oz., dark red, smooth, elastic, lining chunks

Mood:  great, energetic

Symptoms:  mild cramping and headache

Mucus:

Aww, I had my first leak since forever.  The  stain was huge, but all’s well again.  I knew that I had put the cup in wrongly, but laziness made me forgo the customary rotation.

Despite that, I was still able to feed my plant–though, now that I think about it, I could have saved that soaking water.  Ah, well.

First Day (June 23).

Moon: Waxing Gibbous

Flow/Texture:  ¼ oz.  dark red, elastic, lining chunks, clear elastic mucus

Mood:  fine, considering

Symptoms:  bloating, all-day cramping, cravings, horn

Mucus:

One day late.

This week and part of last week are characterized by my gradual spiraling down:  spiritual apathy, cravings, and a progressive fraying of my nerves.  The past few days saw my libido turn dangerous–it’s good that I kept myself cloistered.

I miss the closeness I had begun to feel, but I believe I’ve lost it.  As a result, worthless desires won and, as always, I felt none too special or fulfilled by them.  Yesterday, I was caught in a self-destructive mindset, wanting nothing more than to harm myself:  knives and fire became fascinating.  I think I’ve discovered a link between my mental health and exercise.

Cravings were of the dairy and sugar persuasion and I’m sure those had nothing to do with these horrible cramps.  Oh boy, they lasted all freaking day.

I’m not sure if I’ll bother with the full moon ritual, but the gibbous has been beautiful these past few nights.  That it will be a lunar eclipse should mean something–I want it to.  Despite my apathy, I’ve been on the hunt for signs as to whether or not I should keep trying.

The Fourteenth Teaching gives the go ahead, as well as some newfound ideas about the Book of Genesis and Satan, and my readiness to tackle the Tao Te Ching–not that I wasn’t going to do that anyway.  I’ve discovered a possible convergence between it and the Gita, which I hope will provide for better context and understanding.

For my next attempt at the Bible, I’ll try the allegorical approach.  The literary/eww Bible approach has continued to fail me for the obvious reasons.

My menstrual flowers have become lovely ever-growing vines now.   (I fed them today.)  Just have to figure out where to put them.

After Period–Day 16.

Moon:  Waxing Crescent

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  good, calm

Symptoms:  none

Mucus: white, somewhat creamy, somewhat wet newspaper, light, normal taste/scent

I did it.  I purified my candles and things, performed a ritual of sorts, wrote out my list.  However, something was missing this time.  The most obvious thing was the moon:  I thought maybe since I missed last night, I might catch a glimpse of a tiny crescent–nope.

Secondly, my heart wasn’t in it or the timing was off–I couldn’t invoke much during the purification as I couldn’t see anything that could inspire me.  On top of this, ah, the list.  As I put away my candles and bits, I couldn’t help thinking that my list was bogus.  Yet, I know my list can’t be the problem.  Blah.

I felt alone and empty as well.  Despite my concerns, the altar was beautiful, the setting was nice, if lightly infested with the stinging, biting, buzzing, grass-shifting aspects of nature.  My prayer and invocation were a little haphazard, but I made them happen.  Still, as much as I wanted to, despite my reiteration of my intentions and the purpose of the ritual, I felt nothing.

I read the eleventh teaching twice.  Here, Krishna reveals his true form to Arjuna, convincing him to embrace his nature and kill his enemies.  I understand, for the most part, but I couldn’t get into it.  Maybe I just couldn’t wrap my head around the concept of his totality:  the many arms, thighs, heads, mouths, him consisting of all the gods, his licking the world with his flaming tongue.

This chapter expounds on his nature, his overwhelming, terrifying greatness.  Despite being given divine eyes, Krishna is unable to bear Krishna’s form for too long.  Perhaps, in some way, this wasn’t necessary for me.  I already understood his reach, the expanse of his power and form.  However, the ending provides a decent segue into the next and most anticipated chapter, which is all about  devotion:

By devotion alone
can I, as I really am,
be known and seen
and entered into, Arjuna.

Acting only for me, intent on me,
free from attachment,
hostile to no creature, Arjuna,
a man of devotion comes to me.

– The Eleventh Teaching

I’m not happy about the fact that it’s a measly two pages (while this one is seven), but I’m expecting great things from these pages.

The full moon is due the 26th of this month and periods due earlier in the week.  I’m definitely up for another full moon ritual, but I’m anxious still.

After Period–Day 15.

Moon:  New Moon

Flow/Texture:

Mood:  inspired, better, calm

Symptoms:  willingness to soldier on, smiles

Mucus:  abundant, smooth, white, creamy, thick, normal taste/scent

I did it.  I lazed all the way up to the new moon, which I’ll recognize tomorrow night.  I couldn’t bear whining into the blog about how I was, though sad, ultimately too lazy to read, mediate, or study.  And because of the laze haze, I missed ovulation.

I did a mini meditation session with a virtual candle and, while out, was inspired by a woman sitting out in her yard, reading.  She looked so comfortable and yet focused.  I loved it.

Since I become all gung ho when it’s ritual time, I have established two spiritual spaces, private spaces to conduct daily rituals, which will consist simply of lighting candles, prayer, reading, journal time, and mediation.  I can do that, damn it!

One will be outside where the music will consist of birds, wind, and other unidentified creatures.  People noises are, thankfully, all but nonexistent.

According to the Female Energy Cycle Chart, I’m in my Enchantress phase.  I see both Hestia and Persephone occurring in me now, but I’m after the former.  I have a feeling this tidbit will come in handy:

Developing meaningful rituals and activities for yourself, and remembering to do them when you start feeling unbalanced during the premenstrual phase is another good way of calling Hestia into your life.

All that other stuff from the passed few days–sadness, longing, etc.– bespoke of my Mother phase, Aphrodite, in particular:

Aphrodite is a Mother goddess when She does seek union and partnership with another person whether that partnership is creative, emotional or sexual.

She seeks union with a partner, and feels the desire to consummate the relationship. She symbolises the creative force of attraction and fertilisation on all levels.

Aphrodite as a Mother goddess is just as sensual, receptive and creative an individual as when she is a Virgin goddess. The difference is that She is fascinated by relationship and the transmutation and creativity that takes place when people fall in love with each other. Whenever there is rapt attention and a meeting of the senses whether it be mental, physical or emotional, Aphrodite is there. [more]

As far as my new moon ritual goes, I’m on the wrong side of clueless.  I know it will involve the New Moon Manifestation Ritual from About.com, but the contents are sketchy.  I like the idea of that being the point in so far as it forces me to realize my true desires and needs.  I plan to spend as much time as necessary making it happen.

After Period–Day 10.

Moon: Waning Crescent

Flow/Texture:

Mood: glum yet calm

Symptoms:  negative thoughts and a slack desire to erase them

Mucus:  dull white, a bit like elastic, a bit smooth and creamy, normal taste/scent,

Some of yesterday’s unhappiness seeped into my day today.  I looked at my books, my altar and candles, but turned to the old standbys.

When it rained, I stood out in it and thought about Krishna a little.  I was soothed for a little while thereafter.

Right now, I lack discipline and focus and I’m still somewhat confused and doubtful.  However, I do know that all that I experienced eclipses everything I’d grown accustomed to.  That’s all that matters.